Important information from the angel of death

On Saturday I nearly died (see if you can beat that with your five-aside football and your trip to Ikea and your barbecue). It was food-related, of course. I choked on a piece of French bread (unsalted butter, nice piece of ham). I immediately stopped breathing and started panicking. Breathing was off the agenda.

I stood at the sink making a noise like a distressed seal or a blocked hoover (or a fat bloke chocking on his lunch). Juliet, who thought I was joking, attempted a comedy Heimlich Manoeuvre. Pretty soon, having figured out that I was actually choking (I was going a funny colour and still making that honking noise), she attempted a real Heimlich Manoeuvre (which, funnily enough, was exactly the same as the comedy one).

She also hit me as hard as she could on the back a lot (I have bruises). It worked. I am here to testify that I have spoken while eating for the last time. Don’t try to have a conversation with me while I’m eating. Forget it. You’ll get no reply. I’m chewing.

What I found most interesting about the whole episode (afterwards, of course) was the sheer amount of thinking I was able to do while standing there going blue. I thought about dying – obviously – about leaving my family, about not really being ready to go, about being underinsured, about not wanting to die on the kitchen floor, about how much I love my wife…

I guess it’s not the information that matters, though. It’s what you do with it…


  1. Aah, don’t go and die on me. Ring me up instead. And stop worrying about being underinsured – let’s just get this show on the road.

  2. Glad to hear you’re ok Steve, guess we should all listen to our mums when they say “no eating with your mouth full”.

  3. Oh my God Steve, how terrible. I can’t believe you are underinsured! I will send john round immediately to ensure it never happens again. The underinsurance I mean, the dieing is up to you…

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